dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
