I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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