Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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