when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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