I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
