I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He shit in the fireplace
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
