She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
