It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
