So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
