I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
