She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
