There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
