After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
