I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
