so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
