I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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