Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
