PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
