i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
