My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
