Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
