Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This is the high leading the old right now
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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