final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
