My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
