I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
