My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
