i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
