i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
