i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
