my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
