I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
