currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
