News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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