i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
