she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
