i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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