Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
