i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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