I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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