He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
