I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
