Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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