Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
