My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
