we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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