it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
