I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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