This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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