I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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