my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
